chapter 7

Suicide

Kuki’s POV

I took the knife, I’m shaking, I press the blade against my wrist, today is Wally's b-day, and he had been dead one month and 3 weeks.

The cold blade is cutting through my skin; I can feel every single muscle, every single fiber of my skin breaking apart. I am sitting on my bathtub, fully dressed; I'm wearing his favorite outfit, some black jeans and a polo type dark green shirt, my sneakers, my hair is done in that messy bun I used to wear at high-school.

I have a photo album in my lap, it’s open at a picture of me and Wally, the day he finally asked me out I was wearing exactly the same; the notebook the shrink gave me is there to, open on that last entry, my entry, there is just one thought on my head right now. As Juliet killed herself with a blade, after Romeo, I will kill myself to follow my dear Wally to the other world.

-Life's a bitch, then you die, and it's over. I'll skip the bitch and proceed immediately. - I said as I close my eyes and think of Wally; I try to ease the pain on my wrist; I know I’ll die. The pain is so strong I start crying, the tears are steaming my face as they go down, I suddenly feel no more pain, I open my eyes and I see him there by my side.

-Kuki, I gave my life for you, you must keep living.

-Wally I can’t live without you it’s so much painful, please take me with you.

We are surrounded by some blank space, as if we were floating on the sky, but I can feel the ground on my toes, and a soft warm breeze coming from somewhere.

-Kuki, please you won’t die, not today, please, you must understand that

-But I miss you

-I miss you too, but I promise I’ll come for you soon enough, just wait and be patient.

Everything begins to turn blurry and I feel as if I were falling from somewhere, everything turns black, and I can hear some muffled voices, they are speaking incoherent words.

-You get there just in time. - Some deep voice said

-Luckily I just needed a word with her - a sweet voice I love so much said, it was Takeshi’s - is she going to be Ok?

-Well if it weren’t for you and your brothers, she could have died, I’ll recommend you to take a closer watch over her, the things she lived are not the best you could get. She might have some nausea and she could probably try suicide again.

-Thanks Dr. Jenkins

-I’ll bring her shrink in, after she wakes up, have a nice day

I know who is in here; there is Takeshi, Jiro, Ryoichi, Father and Mother. Mushi must be elsewhere, I’ll just rest a bit, and I can’t believe Wally wants me to stay behind, we had promised to be together always, now death tore us apart and we can’t be together.

I remember now, vividly what happened that awful night, everything, not just the part where he gets killed, and it was my entire fault.

One week later

-You wrote a really sad poem Kuki - said Dr. Tourette - It has a real deep meaning. -I remained silent - I know that suicide might seem as the only exit, but it isn’t you’ll see.

-I - I’ll speak to the shrink for the first time since I start coming here, in all the other sessions I would pick up a book and read it, and write something about it, I usually picked dark books, or romantic novels, I always cried while reading, and Dr. Tourette would hug me and shush me.

-I knew you would try to kill yourself but I knew you wouldn’t have the nerve to do so - she said

-What do you mean?

-You stopped the bleeding

-I didn’t, I fainted

-Yes you did, you did after you stopped the bleeding, and you were found at Ryoichi’s bedroom with a bandage over the wound, you didn’t cut yourself that bad

-I can’t remember all that, I just remember a big pain then nothing and … -I doubted a bit, should I tell her about Wally visiting me? - … And then waking at the intensive care at the hospital. - I want to tell someone about how Wally died - It is my fault …

-What is?

-That Wally died

-No it is not, Kuki that kind of things just happen, you were mugged and he tried to defend you, the police caught them, you saw it on the news.

-No you don’t understand, I … - I look at Mr. Wallykins; he is on my backpack his head popping out.

-Kuki, Wally died it doesn’t matter whose fault it was, it just happened. Now calm down, sit and start the exam.

Just what I needed a psychometric exam.

-Come on Kuki this will help; you’ll see-

Sure I started solving that idiotic exam, I mean they know that I have problems going through Wally’s death, why can’t they leave me alone, I won’t die any time soon. Wally won’t let me.

After my suicide attempt my friends have become really supportive, I haven’t gone to the graveyard lately, I know I’ll try something again if I keep going, nevertheless I’ll keep bringing flowers to the love of my life, I love him so much, even if he is waiting for me after death.